Thursday, March 22, 2012

Keep 'em Close

Well, it's official. Redux is officially underway.  I've done two Lupron shots so far. It's always right about now that the cycle in front of me seems exceedingly long and drawn out, despite retrieval only being a few weeks away.

Needless to say, I am no stranger to fear regarding treatment cycles. This one is no different. I'm pretty nervous all around: nervous about success, nervous about failure, and nervous about the in-between. It is really this time of limbo, between meds and procedure, that these fears bubble up the most. I keep trying to close my eyes and picture a baby bump. Sometimes that vision is clear, and others times I can't seem to conjure the image.

As I mentioned, when I get into a bad place, worrying about our TTC future, I always go back to planning for life beyond TTC. When His Royal Fabulousness and I have these discussions, this is the mental picture I create:

Not bad, huh?

I haven't been shy about expressing my love and appreciation for KG on this blog. I am a lucky girl. I'm not saying we don't occasionally bicker or get on each other's nerves. We have even had rocky times in the past. But I will say that we try to live by the rule of never going to bed angry and we make a concerted effort not to take each other for granted.

This past week, while visiting my parents and friends in Los Angeles, I was reminded of how important it is not to let a day go by (or even leave the house or end a phone call) without telling loved ones how much you care for them.

On Monday, we got some terrible news. A close friend of my father's died while on a biking trip in Death Valley. George and his wife were close with my parents for over 40 years, and this was a very unexpected and tragic death. He was a very kind, loving, and generous person who will sorely be missed.

His death really got me thinking. We do not know the reasons why, but George and his wife never had children. My parents speculated over the years, but respected their privacy and never asked. Of course, as an infertile woman, I have to wonder whether they tried to have children and failed, or whether they made an independent decision to live child-free. Either way, they had a wonderful, solid marriage and lived happily together.

I can't get his wife out of my mind. Although she has many friends surrounding her right now, in essence, she is alone. She wrote to my folks saying that she has lost her sweetheart, her best friend, her partner. I can't imagine her pain. I wonder whether her grief is compounded by the fact that she has no children to lean on during this time. Is she regretting their decision/fate? Is she wishing there were children to hold her up right now?

This is hitting a little close to home. The thought of being left alone, if anything happened to KG, is just too overwhelming to bear. Although our TTC efforts are far from over, it is easy to see myself in her shoes.

When chatting with a friend today, she summed it up. She said that all you can do is enjoy every minute together that you can, and never forget to say, "I love you." Well said.

I think I'll call KG right now.


  1. So sorry to hear about your family friend. My thoughts are with you and your family.

    I imagine that the grief is enormous no matter what. My grandfather died a couple of years ago, leaving behind his long-time girlfriend. They never had children or married, but I don't think she'd say that his passing was harder because of it. She leaned on other connections, and they spent their lives traveling, cooking, painting and doing all kinds of things that wouldn't have been possible with kids. At least no in the way that they did them. I think she cherishes those memories, and I doubt she looks for ones that are missing.

    Everyone has their own experience, of course. Their choices might not have worked as well for another couple.

  2. Wow, this made me tear up. One of my biggest fears is us not being able to have children, and something happening to J, and me being left all alone. I'm sorry for your loss, and hope his wife has the support to help her through this difficult time.

  3. I am so sorry to hear about your family friend. I think about this a lot actually. I haven't posted anything yet because I'm just not ready, but my Dad died when I was 3. We have a lot of family, but my Mom leaned on me. I have been told that is how she got through.

  4. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your family friend. The beginning part of UP always always makes me cry. It is so sweet and loving while at the same time so sad for me to watch.

  5. That is such a great mental image. One that I need to focus on more. At the end of the day at least we have our husbands. I'm sorry to hear about your family friend, I'm sure his wife is going through a lot, my thoughts will be with her.

  6. I love the image. It's one I hold dear too. If IF has taught me nothing else, it's that I'm lucky to have the partner I have as I go through this process. Without him, I'd be lost.

    I'm so sorry to hear about George. That's heartbreaking news. Have you thought about reaching out to her? Either with a note or a phone call? Because I know that for me, that would be greatly appreciated and a blessing. The ability to talk about him, reflect on our life together and grieve without having to worry about others being uncomfortable.

    Thinking of you as you begin IVF#2. I want this cycle to end with wonderful and happy news!

    1. On your suggestion, I just went to CVS (and okay, Chipotle) to get a card to send to her.

  7. I am so SO sorry for your loss hun. Last year there were so many deaths in and around my family. One similar to this, a family friend in his 50's who died in a boating accident and the sudden and cruel way he was taken was just so hard to grasp. Life really is so precious and it's important to remember to tell our loved ones often what they mean to us. Living each day present to each moment is the ideal, I just wish it didn't take tragedies like this to remind us to do it. I hope his wife finds peace soon and that her broken heart finds a way to heal. Thinking of you, your family and friends. xoxo

  8. Aw, man. That little old couple from Up makes me tear up and my heart swell every time I see them.

    So very sad about your family friends and his wife. I do want to ask couples that do not have children why. Either I want to sympathize if their problems are infertility or I want a different perspective if they chose not to.

    Good luck on the redux!

  9. That picture makes me think of Robbie Hart (Adam Sandler) from The Wedding Singer:
    "I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
    Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
    All I want to do, is grow old with you..."

    I'm so sorry for your loss. It definitely has me thinking of how incredibly thankful I am for the precious moments my hubby and I have together. We're very fortunate! Thanks for sharing.

  10. Very well said, and also? Up gets me every time. Every. Time. I hate having a forced reminder of how important it is to let our loved ones know they're loved. My condolences to your parents and their friend who now has to mourn the loss of her husband.

  11. I just can't watch UP after having seen it once. And I'm really glad that I saw it back when we first thought TTC would be an easy and normal process. At the same time, you do raise a good point that their child-free living wasn't too bad.

  12. Sounds like we might be having our retrievals around the same time... mine's in 3 weeks from today :) Email me if you'd like access to my private blog... happy for other bloggers to join :) So sorry to hear about your father's friend. Love to you and your family xo

  13. You hit home for sure. This is something I worry about a lot. My coworker is going through some cancer stuff with her hubby and is afraid of losing him. They decided they didn't want children. I think of how her life will turn out if something happens to him. I can't imagine being in that place. Although our reasons for not having children are vastly different, I could still end up in her shoes and that scares the crap out of me.

    Your feelings are very valid and something we all have to consider. I pray we don't have to experience life without kids or a partner. I'm thinking of you during your next cycle and I'll be struggling right beside you.

  14. Maybe its because I'm an Army Wife, but often I think about the what if's.

    1. I'm sure you worry! It must be very tough when he gets deployed.

  15. So sorry about George. I hope that this cycle goes well for you. Thanks for stopping by my blog.

  16. I'm so sorry about the loss of your family friend and that it's hitting you especially hard. I can't even think about Up without crying. Like right now, reading this. It's a very real fear, but at the same time, makes us realize how lucky we are to have the partners we chose.

    Wishing you the best of luck with your current cycle and happy ICLW!

  17. Oh My, I am so so sorry to hear of the loss. A death of that kind would have had me thinking the very same way.

    Now that I look at couples who are contemporary to us, or those in the previous generation, and those who seem to not have had children, I often wonder what it was really. It is easier these days for couples to voluntarily choose a child-free life. It was not so in my parents' generation. Did they never conceive? Did they lose children? My minds oils those questions again and again.

    That terrifying thought of being alone is far too much.

    And then I recently saw a family, where the parents had four children, and well, atleast two of them are making their parents' life miserable....what would be more painful, really?

    Reach out to the lady...send her flowers/cards...she will love it.

    Good Luck to you!

    And that couple from Up! ... I remember ever frame of that movie. I almost cried when the lady came to know she will never have children.

  18. Sorry for the busted language on my comment...and hey, here from the Blog RoundUp.

  19. So sorry for the loss of your family friend. It must be so hard for the wife now. I think about this sometimes as well and get scared of losing my husband to early, actually before we have had the chance to have children, it's a general fear that comes over me at times.
    Great post and a great reminder of being grateful for what we do have.


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